i'm a nice guy, i think. (specs_is_sex) wrote in theworldapart,
i'm a nice guy, i think.
specs_is_sex
theworldapart

Only one entry so far, but I like it. Inspired by Perks of Being a Wallflower.

February 22, 2005

I'm writing in this journal now because I realized that if I don't do something now, I'll probably go out and do something drastic. This vacation isn't what it seemed. I was really expecting a break from school. From History, and from Algebra and all that other nonsense. What I wasn't expecting was a break from my friends. Bridget is off someplace in New Hampshire. Sam is off doing something with Trevor someplace. And Rebecca I never see anyway. Well, I do, but it's just that whenever I do see her, it's for a very small bit at a time. So I hangout with myself. So far I haven't done anything except play video games and write in this journal. Oh, and draw things. I like drawing. You can expect some of my drawings to grace the pages here and there.

I draw a lot, and I like putting captions below or near them. I draw a lot of robots and half-stick figures. I stole the style from this website with all these drawings. I feel rather guilty about it, but then again, in Art we always draw using different styles in the first place, so I suppose it's okay. I like putting captions that make sense to me, but seem like complete idiocy to others. A lot of them have inside jokes between the four of us. Actually, it's mostly just with Sam, Bridget, and I. Rebecca isn't one for eating babies. I hate babies. I guess maybe sometime I'll get around to liking them, or at least not minding them, but I knew it won't happen without a fight on my part.

I suppose that I'm writing all this down because I think all this high school stuff is nonsense. If everyone's "glory days" are supposed to be about partying, drinking, and getting high all the time, I don't see the point. All I ever really want to do is talk and hangout with my friends outside of school.

I want a girlfriend. But I want one for all the wrong reasons. I'm lonely, it's not because I like anyone in particular. Also I'm sick of all this stuff held up inside me. Like, and this is rather embarrassing to reveal, but sexual frustration. I never masturbate. I hate it. To me, touching yourself makes you look pathetic. I look pathetic enough without rubbing my genitals. Rebecca and Bridget told me they did a couple times. I was shocked. Because they know how I feel about it, and now I kind of think that they shouldn't, because I have a feeling that I know they could get boyfriends if they tried hard enough.

I don't have a girlfriend because of lack of trying though. Trust me, I've tried a fair share. I think I've liked all of my friends, with the exception of Sam and a couple of others I haven't mentioned yet. Not because I don't like them, I just didn't like them that way.

I've had three girlfriends before. Two my friends know about. The first was in middle school, so it wasn't really a dating situation. I don't like her now. She's really the same as she was then, but because I've changed so much since then, I don't like her. It was a foolish time then. Besides, I liked Destiny's Child. I shudder now, thinking about it. I left the CD I bought from them in Portugal, where my family goes now and again. But I should really stay on topic.

The other two I have more important feelings toward. Jessica was very important. I was a sophomore, and so was she, but she a little bit older. Jessica was really very nice. I always talked to her and had a fun time with her. But I guess I never liked her enough, because I broke it off after two months. I didn't like her like a boyfriend should, and I knew she deserved better. I felt horrible. I never ever want to break someone off myself. I'd much prefer getting broken up with. She was in band. She still is very nice, but I don't speak with her much, as I don't have band this year. I hope we can make amends next year, if I manage to grab band as an elective.

Kylie, now she was real different. I can honestly say that it was a mistake. I mean, the relationship lasted a very short time. I was having mixed feelings at the time. We were both juniors, and, like Jessica, she was bit older than I was. I guess I have a thing for older girls. Hehe. I guess people could find that rather amusing. Whatever. Back to Kylie. I realized it was a mistake once Kylie said after we "broke up," that she liked Patric, a kid who hangs out with us at breakfast in school, and he’s also in my Algebra class. I put "broke up" in quotations because I really thought that we might get back together. Another thing about Kylie that I regret, is that she was who I shared my first kiss with. I don’t like her much now.

And that’s when I realized that girls were complicated.

Bob helped me realize that. He told me this one time that there were rules to follow about ending relationships. The person who broke off the relationship was supposed to wait around a month until "talking," with someone. That means discussing the possibility of going out with someone. The person who was broken off had about a week to get his/her self together and then could go out and "talk," with people. I guess the moral of this entry is that you should always be cynical in relationships, or always doubt yourself and the "love" you have. Question it a lot.

I’ll end this with a song I like that this situation reminded me of. I only know one song by Steel Train, but I like it anyway. It’s called "Better Love."

"Well, you wake the love that sleeps inside
And dreamed that she had never died
Wipe that tear but you don't know why
Boy, you're pretty, girl
You're just not for me
Better love I do not see

This girl, she had it kinda sweetTill fame swept her off her feet
She's nothing she did before
Let's her colors hit the floor
Scars are in her name
And she scars me with blade
Hey Scarlet, you're not the same

So be careful what you choose
I feel love for me and you
I'm not ashamed
As I walk another mile
I help you find out, child
I don't know what to do
I'm lost without you
Better love will come to you

So I flew West to see her part
Two weeks since the music died
I watch the camera shoot this girl
Seems to me a hollow pearl
Mother side me goes
What's it like oh my boy
to be so destroyed

So be careful what you choose
I felt love for me and you
I'm not ashamed
So I walk another mile
To help you find out, child
I don't know what to do
I'm lost without you
Better love will take you home

So here I sit. Some years have passed
I say I don't but I miss her bad
I smell her in my sheets you see
Like she's sleeping next to me
She'll say
Jack, I'm leaving nowDon't you wait up for me
Cause better love I'm yet to see."

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